Feminism be damned

I'm one of those women that make men incredibly frustrated.

I'm intelligent and educated. I believe I have every right in the world to be able to vote, speak my opinion and get paid the same amount of money as a man for doing the same amount and quality of work. That said, I'm also a Southern woman who believes that men should open the door for me, make the first move and pay for dinner.

I believe that men should make the living and women should raise the children. Yet, working together is crucial to creating a happy marriage. If I have to be the bread winner, I can do it. I've done it before. Army of Dad and I disagree over many things involving gender roles. Many of these issues cause me to climb onto one side of the fence one moment and back to the other side the next. I don't always have a good reason or logic for feeling the way I do. It is all about being a woman. On the whole, we're ruled by emotions. I know I most certainly am.

I waver on topics like women in combat or flying fighter jets. On one hand, I don't see any reason why a woman who is capable shouldn't be able to do it if she wants to. On the other hand, I can see how it might be sort of hard to be stealthy or discreet when you have to change a tampon in a tank with a couple of guys.

But, more than issues like that, one thing that really pisses me off when it comes to being a member of the fairer sex is being smaller and weaker. I like the protection Army of Dad offers me. But, guess what? He isn't with me 24/7. Being home alone with my kids at night can be scary. Being alone anywhere with my kids can be scary. (that can be taken two ways and one is really funny when you think about it *wink*)

When I'm in charge of protecting my children, I'm a much tougher person. That mama bear mentality kicks in. When I'm alone, it is very different. I feel sort of sorry for men in a way because if I feel vulnerable and I see you coming, I think the worst. Going to the post office in the middle of the night has me constantly looking over my shoulder and around corners, plotting the quickest way out and mentally preparing myself to fight. In the parking lot of the grocery store. At the gas station. At a red light. Even in an elevator alone with a man. We envision the worst case scenario. Fight or flight kicks in. Women have to be vigilant if we don't want to be victims. If I am anything - it is NOT a victim.

I read Mrs. DuToit at the urging of Army of Dad and literally I began to cry. Not just a little tear in the corner of my eye, but full-fledged bawling. This woman pegged it. Fear. Constant fear. She absolutely described the way I feel whenever I go anywhere alone. You can’t help it. You have to be super-alert to the dangers around you. I used to carry a knife with me as a teenager when I worked late at the movie theater and I remember thinking, Dear God, the bad guy has to be really close to me before I can even defend myself. And, you know who gave me the knife and told me how to use it? My mother. She, too, knows the fears that we face daily.

I’m not a big gun enthusiast, personally, but over the years I have contemplated getting a CHL and learning how to shoot. I have finally learned how to shoot. Now, I'm debating on taking that next step. I really don't want to, but I honestly don't know how I could feel safe if I don't. I no longer have the fear of touching a gun. As a matter of fact, it was pretty fun to shoot. I just don't like feeling like a victim and with my upcoming surgeries, I'm going to be even more vulnerable. I don't think most men understand that feeling of always looking over your shoulder worried that the boogey-man is going to jump out and get you at any moment and you can't fight back. Maybe next time some woman locks her car doors when she sees you waiting to cross the street, you won't feel so irritated. We're just doing the only thing we know to protect ourselves. Maybe I found something new to make me feel secure. Mrs. DuToit's post gives me hope that I, too, can feel that power.