Pinball thinking

Do you know what I mean when I say that? Imagine the thoughts in your mind bouncing off one thing and hitting another and bouncing in a totally different direction than you expected - THAT is pinball thinking. I do it often.

It started this morning when I was thinking about how to explain my plantar fasciitis surgery that I'm having a week from today. The doctor isn't going to do anything to the actual bone spur on my foot and he explained that it is not what is causing the pain. Of course, I can't repeat all he said, but suffice it to say that he described the bottom of your foot as having a long thick band that stretches from your heel to your toes and mine tore from stress - being athletic and active combined with having too large of an ass to carry around - usually causes that stress. So, when it tears, it bleeds and the bone thinks it needs to grow more bone to fix it and that is what causes the spur. So, he is going to use this Topaz machine to go in and essentially poke little holes in the band and stretch it so it won't tear anymore. *shrug* We'll see how it goes. I'll be placed in a splint at the hospital and get crutches there, too. I go back on the 28th to have the splint removed and a cast put on for two weeks. Joy upon joys. I'll have to learn to drive with my left foot. Beware any white minivans you see on the roads for the next few weeks.

I had to go to the hospital and have some bloodwork done. Fortunately, no x-rays or any of that shit. But, I did see the creepy little x-ray tech who made me feel dirty (and not in a good way) while I was waiting. This is where my pinball thinking this morning went terribly wrong.

I started thinking about how violated I felt at the simple touch of this man. It was unwanted and just didn't feel right. I still get the willies when I think about it. And, it made me feel sad for women who are raped and violated and then, from the deep recesses of my mind and memories, I started to recall the time I was date-raped in college by a boy I was seeing. Yes, I share a small tidbit of the blame for putting myself in a compromising position. Had I used better judgment, it likely would have never happened. But, I used to be one of the most trusting people on the face of the planet. I am still fairly trusting, but I tend to be much more guarded these days and this is one reason why. He was a pre-med student at Baylor with me. He was planning on attending dental school after our graduation. He was tall, maybe 6'2. I always liked tall guys. He was blond and had a thin-athletic build. He was in one of those frats for smart guys, not a traditional frat and I liked that about him, too. I can't remember how we met. He lived in the same apartment complex as me. TC seemed like the perfect gentleman. We went out a time or two and he never made a move. I had three roommates and we shared a two-bedroom apartment. The girl I shared a room with was home, so I borrowed the other room as those girls were out of town that weekend. I always loved to snuggle up next to someone when I slept. It gave me great comfort and made me feel safe. I often fell asleep in my boyfriend's arms in high school and he would slip his arm out from under me and go home when I did that. I had told TC that I liked doing that and asked if he wanted to stay the night with me. We mugged (the 80s/early 90s term at Baylor or making out, smooching, whatever you want to call it) for a while and then I fell asleep. I awoke to find myself pushing him off of me. He apparently slipped off my shorts and panties while I was sleeping and I slept right through it. He was on top of me and raping me. I awoke and started yelling NO, STOP IT, GET OFF. Then, he put his hand over my mouth and told me to relax. He pushed my hands down and held me down. I eventually gave up. I honestly can't remember what happened after that. I remember telling my girlfriends what happened the next day. I vividly remember going to the apartment of one of my friends - she lived in the same complex - and telling her what happened. She told me that I was overreacting and that he was a good guy. When I got back to the apartment, the fucker had sent me a dozen long-stem roses. I remember thinking I was going to be sick when I saw them. I also remember thinking that everyone would blame me and say I was asking for it if I turned him in. It happened once before at Baylor. One of former Vice President Dan Quayle's aides raped a Baylor student. She had met him at a bar and visited him in his hotel room. I remember everyone on campus painting her as some whore for going to his hotel room. What did she expect? they all said. When you go to a man's hotel room, you are sending him the signal that you're willing, they said. It made me sick. It also was made clear to me that no one would believe me if I accused him of rape. I was so ashamed and felt it was my fault. I even continued dating him after that for a few weeks feeling that I was to blame. I led him on and encouraged it.

TC had the audacity to send me an invitation to his wedding after we graduated from college. I started to go, just to tell his bride-to-be that she is marrying a rapist. But, I decided to let it go. Uzz was very understanding about the whole thing and wanted to kill him. Poor Army of Dad. He, too, has had to live with what this did to me. During one encounter with AoD, he accidentally put his hand on my throat and I completely freaked out. I had blocked out TC doing that to me until that very moment and then the rape came flashing back clearly in my head. I crawled away from AoD and cowered in the corner of the bed. He finally calmed me down and got me to tell him what happened and I thought he was going to drive to South Texas that very moment and kill him. He tried to make me tell him TC's name and I refused because I was afraid of what he would do. I don't think I've ever told him this animal's name. It has taken years for me to let someone touch my neck, but I have learned to trust the right people again. Funny, that was 16 years ago and I'm still shaking as I write this. I don't think any of my friends but that one college girl (who was later my roommate), Uzz and AoD even know about this. I am not sure what made me want to write it today. One thing I have known since I have had children though is that my boys know that NO means NO and that Stinkerbelle doesn't put herself in compromising positions. No one ever asks to be raped, but there are times when you can lessen your chance of having it happen to you.

Every time I hear cases about women who claim to be raped and men don't believe them, it hurts and it hurts bad. I feel like I've been violated again. And, I swear to God, if I ever find a woman who cried rape and really wasn't, I will give her a piece of my mind because it is those women who keep women like me from telling the authorities.