Rearing its ugly head

PMS is now in full swing and along with it has come a giant attack of the "I suck at everything" blues and self-doubt that seems to accompany it sometimes. Getting bitchy is a given, but occasionally, I get the blues, too. Right now I've got them bad.

After the email last night, of course I started to doubt myself. Right now I feel stretched in so many different directions and feel like I'm letting everyone down. I'm not giving all of my attention to the kids, to AoD, to my mom and dad, to the house, to the bills, to my freelance, to my full-time job ... I feel like everything gets a little piece, but not full attention, so subsequently everything I do is substandard. It is the first time in ages that I cried myself to sleep last night. AoD did his best to reassure me, but he has learned that once he tells me that I'm doing a good job, all he can do is hold me while I cry. We fell asleep like that. That explains the dreams I had. In one, I couldn't find Stinkerbelle. Everyone I thought had her, didn't have her. Then, finally, the one far-fetched person to call, I couldn't find her number. I finally found the number and called her and she had her and just hadn't brought her home thinking she was doing me a favor. Then, the dream went south further when AoD, Stinkerbelle and I went to some event and it turned out to be Jonestown revisited and no one figured it out, but us and we had to find a way out of this compound. It was awful. We did get out before I woke up with a baby girl sleeping between me and her daddy.

I have to be at work early this morning and drag poor Hot Rod along with me. I don't want to wake him up, but the VP for communications is honoring our team for our work on the openings, etc. and my boss really wants me to be there. I feel awful for having to drag him out to this and I think this is probably the biggest factor in feeling like a shitty mom right about now.

*shuffling away feeling bloated, pathetic and miserable*