Waiting

Sitting in Tampa International Airport waiting for my flight. Got a nice venti Peppermint Mocha, free wi-fi and the Pats-Colts game on. Big screen would be nice, but I'll take what I can get. I'm surprised at the low scoring game.

But, I digress. Been a nice trip. Thought I'd get to do lots of writing this weekend. Instead, I mingled and got to know my fellow professionals. Today, I had a chance to visit a primo art museum and do some souvenir shopping. All in all, a great trip.


Except ...


The national board president suggested we all get on LinkedIn to send messages to one another in an effort to stay in good contact and not clog up one another's email inboxes. So, I log on and sign up, send out friend invites and then click on the catching up with other Baylor grads from my years there. And, I see him. I actually let out an audible pain-filled gasp. It was so bad that the New Yorker who has been flirting with me (and made a point to sit next to me today) actually turned around and asked me if I was ok. I managed to nod my head and not make any more whimpering noises.

The Him - the boy who date raped me my sophomore year in college. The boy who was so sweet and kind. I fell asleep in his arms after a long, joyous date. The boy who went from kind to cold-hearted rapist. The boy who I awoke to find on top of me holding my arms down. The boy who held his hand on my throat until I finally stopped fighting and let him do what he was intent on doing. The boy who left me in tears and sent me roses the next day. Roses. Do you believe that? Roses. He fucking sent me roses, like that would make it all ok.


I talked with my friends about calling the police. One girl told me he was sweet and that I must have misconstrued what happened. Uh, yeah, ok. My other friends agreed with me take on it. Last girl we knew in college who was raped and told police was crucified by the town, the paper and all the Baylor students - she put herself in the position to let it happen, what did she expect was going to happen when she went to this man's hotel room, etc, etc. I could see it. I was going to be painted as a little whore who fell asleep in this man's arms. What else did I think was going to happen? I wasn't prepared to take THAT on top of the assault. So, I kept my mouth shut. I didn't see talk to him again.


I ran into the asshole on campus my junior year after I was engaged to Uzz. This jerk had the audacity to try to talk me out of getting married and how he'd like to see us rekindle what we had. I'm sure smoke must have been coming out of my ears. I told him he had a lot of nerve to even suggest that after what he did to me. He looked at me with a sideways sneer and said, you wanted that and you know it. Otherwise you would have fought harder. I just walked away. That is what everyone would have said, too. That is why I never reported it.


I do fine 99.9 percent of the time. Then, like today, I see his name or someone's hand brushes my throat and it takes every ounce of my being not to curl up in a fetal position and cry till there are no more tears. It is when I'm caught off guard that it is hardest to handle. But, handle it, I will (as Yoda would say *grin*). I don't let too much hold me down. This jerk will not get the best of me. Never.