I'm nothing in between

No one fits conveniently into a box labeled simply. I know I don't. I'm a Christian, but I'm a sinner. I'm a mom, but I'm also a woman. When this Meredith Brooks song came out, I almost cried because it could have been written about me. I'm all those things, I think. Good and bad.

I'm definitely not perfect. Flaws and all, I am who I am. Most of the time, I like who I am. Sometimes I don't. One thing I don't like is my inability to change voluntarily. Most often, I'd rather go with the evil I know than to change for what might be better. I don't like the unknown. I want to know what to expect in everything.

And, when I'm thrown a curveball, I have a hard time accepting it.

In the past year, Army of Dad lost his job and was out of work for seven months. I may have lost two of my best friends along the way, too. Life has seen fit to make me clean house internally. With the job loss came my questioning of my faith, too. I experienced so much and the one big thing I came away with was that everything happens for a reason. I truly believe this. I don't think God hit a spinner only for us to wonder where it will land. I think everything was put into motion for a reason. I don't believe in predestination, but I do think God gives us a kick in the ass toward a certain direction. The things that have happened to me aren't arbitrary. People are put into other's lives with an intent. And, just like everything else in life, there is a cycle to it. Sometimes that cycle is continuing and sometimes it reaches an end and there is no more.

While reading Woman's Day recently, I saw an article talking about things every woman should know. There were little things like how to "look great on little sleep" with tips for eye make-up or how to choose a good wine. But, the one that sort of hit me hard was titled "let go of something." I've been letting go of a lot of things and forcing myself into making changes that are beneficial (and God, I even hate to use the words "hope" or "change" any more since the last election. Makes me want to throw up.). But, what I have learned is that some things, some people, some activities just suck the life out of me worse than a dementor's kiss.

The article's advice:
Whether it's a relationsihp that's run its course or a set of fraying sheets, sometimes we just need to call it quits. Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Love in 90 Days, suggests asking yourself: What would I advice my child/parent/best friend in a similar situation? Do I want to be dealing with this in 10 years? What might I gain if I let it go?

And, it just hit me. I'm letting go of a lot of things and I feel a huge weight lifted off of me, overall. Some things have some guilt and apprehension attached to them. But, for the first time in my life, I'm genuinely doing things for ME; not for others or out of a sense of responsibility. I'm doing things I think may be the best for me and eliminating situations that drain me. Ok, not completely, but the best that I can.

Evolving is a painful process, but necessary. I feel like a snake shedding its skin.